I won`t telephone him. I`ll never telephone him again as long as I live. He`ll rot in hell, before I`ll call him up. You don`t have to give me strength, God; I have it myself. If he wanted me, he could get me. He knows where I am. He knows I`m waiting here. He`s so sure of me, so sure. I wonder why they hate you, as soon as they are sure of you. I should think it would be so sweet to be sure.

It would be so easy to telephone him. Then I`d know. Maybe it wouldn`t be a foolish thing to do. Maybe he wouldn`t mind. Maybe he`d like it. Maybe he has been trying to get me. Sometimes people try and try to get you on the telephone, and they say the number doesn`t answer. I`m not just saying that to help myself; that really happens. You know that really happens, God. Oh, God, keep me away from that telephone. Keep me away. Let me still have just a little bit of pride. I think I`m going to need it, God. I think it will be all I`ll have.

Oh, what does pride matter, when I can`t stand it if I don`t talk to him? Pride like that is such a silly, shabby little thing. The real pride, the big pride, is in having no pride. I`m not saying that just because I want to call him. I am not. That`s true, I know that`s true. I will be big. I will be beyond little prides.

Please, God, keep me from, telephoning him. Please, God.

I don`t see what pride has to do with it. This is such a little thing, for me to be bringing in pride, for me to be making such a fuss about. I may have misunderstood him. Maybe he said for me to call him up, at five. "Call me at five, darling." He could have said that, perfectly well. It`s so possible that I didn`t hear him right. "Call me at five, darling." I`m almost sure that`s what he said. God, don`t let me talk this way to myself. Make