Maybe that`s what he is doing. Maybe he is coming on here without calling me up. Maybe he`s on his way now. Something might have happened to him. No, nothing could ever happen to him. I can`t picture anything happening to him. I never picture him run over. I never see him lying still and long and dead. I wish he were dead. That`s a terrible wish. That`s a lovely wish. If he were dead, he would be mine. If he were dead, I would never think of now and the last few weeks. I would remember only the lovely times. It would be all beautiful. I wish he were dead. I wish he were dead, dead, dead.
This is silly. It`s silly to go wishing people were dead just because they don`t call you up the very minute they said they would. Maybe the clock`s fast; I don`t know whether it`s right. Maybe he`s hardly late at all. Anything could have made him a little late. Maybe he had to stay at his office. Maybe he went home, to call me up from there, and somebody came in. He doesn`t like to telephone me in front of people. Maybe he`s worried, just a little, little bit, about keeping me waiting. He might even hope that I would call him up. I could do that. I could telephone him.
I mustn`t. I mustn`t, I mustn`t. Oh, God, please don`t let me telephone him. Please keep me from doing that. I know, God, just as well as You do, that if he were worried about me, he`d telephone no matter where he was or how many people there were around him. Please make me know that, God. I don`t ask YOU to make it easy for me ?You can`t do that, for all that You could make a world. Only let me know it, God. Don`t let me go on hoping. Don`t let me say comforting things to myself. Please don`t let me hope, dear God. Please don`t.