You never really own a cat. You can only make him happy and hope he won’t leave you for someone better, like the pizza guy. Here are some morsels1 of advice:
Let the cat make the first move2. Don’t come to me and expect me to rejoice. I will come to you on my own terms and in my own time. When I meet a new human, I know immediately whether he’s a cat person. If he pets me and suffocates3 me with hugs, yuck! It’s so over. But if he ignores me , I find him irresistible4. Unlike indiscriminate5 dogs, a cat likes a challenge. Always let the cat make the first move, or suffer the consequences.
Be polite. If I bring you a dead rat, I expect thanks. If you’re not in the mood, appropriate6 responses: scratching behind my ear, praising me and putting the gift on some sort of pedestal7 or perhaps in a well-lit china cabinet.
Do I look like I need a dog? I appreciate that you’re thinking of me, but seriously, a dog? Why not just throw me in a barrel of drool and roll me in fleas? The dog eats my food and digs in my litter box. And the dog that licked your face just rinsed8 down the litter box treats with toilet water. Yummy9.
Do I look like I need a sweater? Enough said.
Learn the language. A faint meow10 when you’re petting me means “that’s nice; you may continue.” A long, drawn-out11 meow means “I’m hungry—feed me or I’ll poop12 in the bathtub.” A low, throaty meow means “my litter box is most unpleasant.” A hissing meow is “you idiot, you’re standing on my tail!”
14 to 18 hours a day of napping is normal. I’m not lazy, depressed or narcoleptic13. I’m tired. You would be, too, if you had as much on your mind as I do.
你永远不会真正拥有一只猫。你只能让他幸福，希望他不要因为某个更好的人，例如披萨男而离开你时，才会真正拥有他。以下是一点儿忠告：
让猫掌握主动权。不要来找我，指望我会开心。我会按照自己的方式和时间来找你。当我遇到一个陌生人，我能立即判断出他是否爱猫。如果他宠爱我，抱得让我窒息，那可真讨厌！我们之间因此玩儿完。但如果他不理睬我，那我就觉得他有不可抗拒的吸引力。跟随遇而安的狗不同，猫喜欢具有挑战的生活。要始终让猫掌握主动权，否则后果自负。
要懂礼貌。如果我将一只死耗子拖到你面前，我希望你能说声谢谢。即使你心情不好，也要做出合适的反应：挠挠我的耳背，表扬我几句，然后将这份礼物放在某个底座上，或光线不错的瓷柜里。
我看起来需要一条狗吗？我很感激你能为我着想，但是说正经的，我能忍受一条狗吗？为什么不干脆吐我一身口水，然后再把我扔进跳蚤堆里打滚儿？那条狗抢了我的食物，还在我的垃圾盒里乱刨。那条舔着你的脸的狗，刚刚就着马桶里的水吞下垃圾盒里翻出来的食物。美味啊!
我看起来需要一件厚运动衫么？提了无数次了。
学学我的语言。当你爱抚我时，一声轻轻的“喵”意味着：“这样很舒服；你可以继续。”一声悠长的“喵”表示：“我饿了——给我喂食，否则我会在你的浴缸里大便。”一声低沉、沙哑的“喵”表示：“我的垃圾盒太煞风景了。”一声发着咝咝声的“喵”则是：“你这个白痴，你踩住我的尾巴了！”
每天小睡14到18小时很正常。我并不懒惰、消沉或者贪睡。我是疲倦了。如果你也和我一样操心，你也会疲惫不堪的。
1. morsel n. 少量；一块（食物）
2. make the first move采取主动
3. suffocate v. 使…窒息
4. irresistible adj. 不可抗拒的
5. indiscriminate adj. 不加选择的
6. appropriate adj. 适当的
7. pedestal n. 底座
8. rinsev. 漱口
9. yummy n. 美味
10. meow n. 猫叫
11. drawn-out 持续很久的
12. poop v. （美俚）大便
13. narcoleptic adj. 患嗜睡症的