1．What do you want?
Three men are talking about what they want people to say about them after they die. The first man says, “I want them to say, ‘He was a good man and he did a good job.’” The second man says, “I want them to say, ‘He left behind a sweet little boy and a loving wife.’” The third man says, “Those are nice, but I want them to say, ‘Look, he's moving.’”

2．Sleeping Pills
Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who gave him some extra-strong sleeping pills. Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss, “I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning.”
“That's fine,” roared the boss, “but where were you Monday and Tuesday?”