The last time Natasha's parents saw her was in Los Angeles over Father's Day weekend in 2001. She flew there to join them in sightseeing2, shopping and visiting relatives3.
　　A month later, Natasha was found one night lying on the floor of her apartment in Manhattan, with a 12-inch butcher knife4 in her chest, right through her lung. There were signs of pricking5 she left in her throat and stomach. She died on the way to the hospital.
　　For her parents, Natasha's death remains a mystery6. A 5′11", 155-pound beauty with red curls7 and green eyes, 21-year-old Natasha had been a model for just 13 months and was really having a good start. “There was no sadness in her,” Natasha's mother recalls8 the trip she last saw her daughter, “She was on top of everything in her life.” But months later her father would remember signs that his daughter had been struggling emotionally9. “She talked about the shallowness10 of men being attracted to outward beauty, how they didn't explore the person inside,” he says. At the time, he'd thought it a reminder11 of her bigger self at high school when she had been seriously overweight12 and teased13 by her peers14. The father thought that his daughter had forgotten about the past because she was a pretty model now.
　　In her bedroom, police found Natasha's diaries. There, she had battled for years, which she hadn't even allowed her parents to know: her fight to keep her weight, her disappointment in meeting men who were interested only in her looks, her endless plans to better herself. And she had strong fear that none of those efforts would ever make her feel safe enough. “People say I'm hard on15 myself but I've always been hard on myself,” she wrote, “What seems trivial16 to others is very important to me,” —important enough for her to die for.
 
Growing Up
　　Nothing in Natasha's childhood suggested such a violent17 end. Her father is an aeronautics executive18, and her mother a teacher and former model. Natasha was the youngest in the family, with four brothers. She was a girl of talent19. She learned to ski at three and started piano lessons at five. When she was in the third grade, the family moved to France. Natasha loved France. But three years later, they moved back to the U.S. The return was difficult to Natasha. She missed her friends in France and fell behind in school. Unhappy and rebellious20, she began gaining weight.
　　Her parents had hoped she could go on a diet, but it didn't work. By the time she went to high school, Natasha weighed 250 pounds. “Sometimes kids would stare and make comments21,” remembers Natasha's close friend. Even teachers could be hurtful by saying “You'd really be beautiful if you lost 50 pounds.”
　　Then, before the start of her senior year at high school, Natasha suddenly announced plans to get in shape22. She wanted a new start. She became crazy about losing weight. Natasha began a strict exercise program and ate a very low 900 calories23 a day. By the time she graduated, she had lost almost 100 pounds. Suddenly, Natasha was popular.
　　“Everyone wanted to talk to her,” the friend recalls. “Friends who had drifted away24 became friends again.” Natasha seemed happy yet guarded25. She always said, “Everyone thinks I'm pretty [now], but before they didn't.” A girl who wanted to be perfect, Natasha didn't want to be liked just for her pretty looks. But it seemed a fact that being pretty was what people really cared.
　　A slim26 girl then, Natasha set another goal—to become an actress. At 19, she applied to27 a famous studio28 in New York City and was accepted as a student. She was very excited about it. And only one year later, she got a part-time job in a big modeling agency29. It provided a chance to get noticed—and Natasha did. Soon, this big-eyed model was making $2,000 a day.

Pressure and Hit
　　But as her career took off30, Natasha herself seemed to start sinking. She told friends that the modeling world was shallow. Although she was now a beautiful woman instead of an overweight teen, she still felt that it was always looks, not character, that was important to everyone around her. The people she was meeting often discouraged her, and it was great pressure. But as a model she could do nothing except keeping outward31 beauty, something superficial yet valued by many people. She worked out32 at the gym33. She ran in Central Park twice a day. And she started taking drugs regularly, although she promised friends she was quitting34. Having to lose weight seemed the only thing for her to do. “I had the feeling she wasn't having fun,” one of her model friends says.
　　Then came the failure of her love. Natasha was looking for a boyfriend who would not just love her because she was pretty. She was tired of35 great attention she got when she walked down the street. About five months before she died, she fell in love with her workout teacher. After weeks of working out together and talking on the phone, he told her he just wanted to be friends. Outward beauty, it seemed, couldn't bring her everything.
　　This hit her hard. Later she took a six-week summer course on Shakespeare36, but she seemed busier and busier with some other business and she missed almost half the classes. On a Thursday near the end of the course, she pulled her teacher aside and apologized.
　　Natasha had a lot of things going on in her life, and that was difficult for her. Her teacher recalls, “I could tell she felt badly about it. Natasha was always very hard on herself.”

Fatal37 Moments
　　On the next Saturday, Natasha and her room-mate spent the morning smoking pot38 and drinking wine. In the afternoon Natasha called her brother Alec, talking about a trip to the beach and asking his advice about buying a computer. She also talked about the man she had loved and complained.
　　Later Natasha and her roommate discussed going to a movie. Then the room-mate went back into her bedroom to listen to music. It was only a short time. But for Natasha, those moments alone were fatal, leaving her to all her unhappy thoughts. When the room-mate returned, she found Natasha in a pool of blood.
　　She was trying too hard to deal with39 her so-called failures. “She had to deal with a totally different self—maybe it was too much for her,” a friend of her says. “Maybe she wasn't trying to [kill herself], she was just punishing herself.” And for Natasha's parents, they “may be tormented40 forever, never finding the reason for that moment of despair41.”
　　A psychotherapist's42 phone number was found among Natasha's papers. Weeks earlier, one of her teachers had suggested she go to see him. Tragically43, she had never called.

1．model  n．模特
2．sightseeing  n．观光
3．relative  n．亲戚
4．butcher   n．屠夫 
  butcher knife屠刀
5．prick [prik] v． 刺，戳
6．mystery   n．神秘(的事)
7．curl   n．卷发
8．recall  v．回忆
9．emotionally   adv．在情绪上
10．shallowness   n．浅薄
11．reminder   n．提醒物，让人回忆的东西
12．overweight   adj．超重的
13．tease   v．嘲笑，开玩笑
14．peer   n．同龄人
15．be hard on 对……苛刻
16．trivial   adj．微不足道的
17．violent   adj．暴力的
18．aeronautics executive  n．航空主管
19．talent  n．才能
20．rebellious  adj．反叛的
21．make comment 评论
22．get in shape 使外形良好,保持身段
23．calorie  n．(热量)卡路里
24．drift away离开
25．guarded  adj．起戒心
26．slim [slim] adj．苗条的
27．apply to 向……申请
28．studio   n．制片厂

29．agency  n．代理处,中介
30．take off 起飞；腾飞
31．outward  adj．外表的,外面的
32．work out锻炼,健身
33．gym  n．体育馆
34．quit [kwit] v．放弃
35．be tired of 厌倦
36．Shakespear  n．莎士比亚(1564－1616,英国剧作家、诗人,著有37部戏剧,154首十四行诗和2首长诗)
37．fatal  adj．灾难性的
38．pot  n．（俚语）大麻
39．deal with 应付，对付
40．torment  v．折磨
41．despair  n．绝望
42．psychotherapist  n．精神治疗医师
43．tragically   adv．不幸的是