Stephen Leacock系英国出生的加拿大作家及演说家，其作品之最大特点乃幽默。下文中他以轻松诙谐的笔调描述了现代人之健康误区及追求健康之要旨，读上去很是过瘾。
Twenty years ago I knew a man called Jiggins, who had the Health Habit.
He used to take a cold plunge1 every morning. He said it opened his pores2. After it he took a hot sponge3. He said it closed the pores. He got so that he could open and shut his pores at will.
Jiggins used to stand and breathe at an open window for half an hour before dressing. He said it expanded his lungs.
He could have got a job as a dog anywhere. He spent all his time at this kind of thing. In his spare time at the office, he used to lie on his stomach on the floor and see if he could lift himself up with his knuckles4. If he could, then he tried some other way until he found one that he couldn't do. Then he would spend the rest of his lunch hour on his stomach, perfectly happy.
In the evenings in his room he used to haul5 himself up to the ceiling with his teeth. You could hear the thumps6 half a mile.
He liked it.
And people like him are ridden by the Health Mania7.
They make themselves a nuisance8.
They get up at impossible hours. They go out in silly little suits and run Marathon heats before breakfast. They run around barefoot to get the dew9 on their feet. They hunt for ozone10. They worry about pepsin11. They won't eat meat because it has too much nitrogen12. They won't eat fruit because it hasn't any. They like starch13 and nitrogen to huckleberry pie14 and doughnuts15. They won't drink water out of a tap. They won't drink milk out of a glass. They are afraid of alcohol16 in any shape. Yes, sir, afraid. “Cowards17.”
And after all their fuss18 they now get some simple old illness and die like anybody else.
Now people of this sort have no chance to get any great age. They are on the wrong way.
Listen. Do you want to live to be really old, to enjoy a grand, green, exuberant19, proud old age?
Then cut out all this nonsense20. Cut it out. Get up in the morning at a sensible hour. The time to get up is when you have to, not before. If your office opens at eleven, get up at ten thirty. Take your chance on ozone. There isn't any such thing anyway. If your work begins at seven in the morning, get up at ten minutes to, but don't lie to yourself to say that you like it. It isn't great, and you know it.
Also, drop all that cold-bath nonsense. You never did it when you were a boy. Don't be a fool now. If you must take a bath (you don't really need to), take it warm. The pleasure of getting out of a cold bed and swimming into a hot bath beats a cold bath to death.
So much for that point.
Next, take the question of germs and bacilli21. Don't be afraid of them. That's all. That's the whole thing, and if you once get on to that you never need to worry again.
If you see a bacilli, walk right up to it, and look at it in the eye. If one flies into your room, strike at it with your hat or with a towel22. It will soon get sick of that. Speak to it. Call out to it to "lie down." It will understand. I had a bacilli once, called Fido, that would come and lie at my feet while I was working. I never knew a better friend, and when it was run over by a car, I buried it in the garden with real sorrow.
Now take the question of food.
Eat what you want. Eat lots of it. Yes, eat too much of it. Eat till you can just stagger23 across the room with it and prop24 it up against a sofa. Eat everything that you like until you can't eat any more. The only test is, can you pay for it? If you can't pay for it, don't eat it. And listen—don't worry as to whether your food contains starch or gluten25, or nitrogen. If you are fool enough to want these things, go and buy them and eat all you want of them. Go to a laundry26 and get a bag of starch, and eat your fill of it. Eat it, and take a good long drink of glue after it, and a spoonful of Portland cement27. That will gluten you, good and solid.
If you like nitrogen, go and get a doctor to give you a canful of it at the soda28 counter, and let you drink it. Only don't think that you can mix all these things up with your food. There isn't any nitrogen or albumen29 in ordinary things to eat. In any ordinary household all that sort of stuff is washed out in the kitchen before the food is put on the table.
And just one word about fresh air and exercise. Don't worry about either of them. Get your room full of good air, then shut up the windows and keep it. It will keep for years. Anyway, don't keep using your lungs all the time. Let them rest. As for exercise, if you have to take it, take it and put up with it. But as long as you have money to hire other people to play baseball for you and run races and do gymnastics when you sit in the shade and smoke and watch them—great heavens, what more do you want?
Please, my dear readers, take the above words as jokes only and don't imitate29 and practice them, or you yourself would bear the consequences30.
二十年前我认识一个叫吉金斯的人，这位先生有健身的习惯。
那时他每天早上都要洗一个冷水澡，他说这能使毛孔扩张；然后他必定再洗一个热水澡，他说这能使毛孔关闭。他这样做的目的是能够随心所欲地开合毛孔。
在每天穿衣起床之前，他总要站在敞开的窗前练习呼吸半个小时。他说这能扩大肺活量。
他以前可能在哪儿干过重体力活。他把所有的时间都花在这上面了。在办公室的时候，他只要一闲下来就会趴到地板上，看自己能不能用手指把自己撑起来。要是此举大功告成，他接下来又会尝试其他的招数，一直要到发现某个动作实在做不了才肯罢休。就连午饭后的那点休息时间他都要用来练腹肌，他感到真是其乐无穷。
傍晚回到自己房里后，他就用牙齿咬住天花板上垂下来的什么东西做引体向上哩。在半英里之外，你都能听到那咚、咚的声音。
他就喜欢这样。
像他那样的人都患有健身癖。
他们都使自己成了讨厌鬼。
他们在不该起床的时间起床。他们傻傻地穿着一点点衣服在早饭前搞马拉松长跑。他们光着脚丫跑来跑去，双脚不沾满露水便心有不甘。他们猎取新鲜空气。他们为胃蛋白酶伤透脑筋。他们不愿吃肉，因为肉里含氮太多。他们不愿吃水果，因为水果里根本不含氮。他们喜欢淀粉和氮，却不愿吃橘馅饼和面包圈。他们不愿从水龙头喝水。他们不愿用杯子喝牛奶。他们害怕各种各样的酒精。是的，先生，就是怕。真是些“怕死鬼”！
他们这也怕那也怕，可还是患上了某种简简单单的老式病，没折腾多久也像别人一样呜呼哀哉了。
如今这一类人怎么着都与长寿无缘。他们是南辕北辙呀。
诸君且听我一言。你们是不是真的想活得很长很长，真的想享受优裕幸福、老而不衰、值得夸耀的长寿呢？
那就别信“早起长寿”的胡话。千万别听。早上最好在合适的时间起床。没到非起床不可时不要起来，犯不着提前。如果你是十一点上班，那就十点半起床。有新鲜空气就尽情呼吸吧。不过这东西现在早已绝迹。如果你是早上七点上班，提前十分钟起床得了，但不要自欺欺人地说你喜欢这样。这不是一件乐事，你心里明白。
另外，也不要信冷水澡那一套，你小的时候从不这样做，现在也犯不着当这种傻瓜。假如你必须洗澡（你其实真不需要），那就洗温水吧。从冰冷的床上爬起来跑去洗个热水澡可谓其乐无穷，不知要胜过冷水澡多少倍。
关于这点就说这么多。
接下来我们谈谈细菌和杆菌的问题。不要害怕它们。做到这点就够了。事情就这么简单：一旦你做到了这一点，那就再也不用为它们忧心忡忡了。
你要是遇到一个杆菌，径直走上去好了，就盯着它的眼睛。假如有一个杆菌飞进了你房里，用你的帽子或毛巾狠狠抽它一顿。过不了多久它就会受不了的。跟它说说话吧。对它说：“躺下。”它会懂的。我曾经养了一个杆菌，叫做“费多”。我干活的时候，它会走过来躺在我的脚上。我还从没结识过比它更好的朋友哩。在它被一辆汽车轧死之后，我把它埋在了花园里，心里好不伤心。
现在我们来谈谈食物。
想吃什么就吃什么好了。放开肚皮吃吧。是的，毫无顾忌地吃。一直吃到你要摇摇晃晃才能走到房子的那一头，一直吃到要用沙发撑住身子为止。爱吃什么就吃什么，直吃到再也塞不下去才罢休。惟一要考虑的是，你能不能付得起钱。假如你付不起这钱，那就别吃。听着——别担心你的食物里是否含有淀粉、麸质或氮元素。假如你实在是傻，非要吃这些东西，那就去买吧，想吃多少就吃多少。可以去洗衣店买一大袋淀粉来，想吃就吃它个够。好好吃吧，吃完之后再大喝一顿胶水，外加一小勺硅酸盐水泥。这能把你粘得结结实实的。
假如你喜欢氮，可以到药店的苏打柜台买一大听来，好好喝它一番。只是不要以为这些东西可以和别的食物混起来吃。日常的食品中可没有氮或蛋白。在任何一个普通的家庭里，所有这些东西在上桌之前早就在厨房里被冲洗掉了。
最后再就新鲜空气和锻炼的事儿说几句。不要为它们任何一样烦恼。把你的房间装满新鲜空气，然后关起窗户把它贮藏好。它能存上好多年哩。不管怎样，不要每时每刻都用你的肺。让它们休息休息吧。至于说锻炼，假如你非锻炼不可的话，那就去锻炼并且忍受吧。不过要是你有钱雇佣别人为你打棒球、跑步或进行其他锻炼，而你坐在阴凉处抽烟并观看他们 ——天哪，那你还有什么可求的呢？
以上种种，请众位看官只当戏言，千万不要模仿，否则后果自负。
1．a cold plunge 冷水浴
2．pore n．毛孔
3．a hot sponge 热水澡 sponge n．海绵，海绵体
4．knuckle n．指节, 关节
5．haul v．拖, 拉
6．thump n．重击声
7．the Health Mania 健身癖
8．nuisance n．讨厌的人或东西
9．dew n．露, 露水般的东西
10．ozone n．新鲜的空气
11．pepsin n．胃蛋白酶, 胃液素
12．nitrogen n．氮
13．starch n．淀粉
14．huckleberry pie 越橘饼
15．doughnut n．油炸圈饼
16．alcohol n．酒精, 酒
17．coward n．懦弱的人, 胆小的人
18．fuss n．忙乱, 大惊小怪
19．exuberant adj．丰富的；非凡的
20．nonsense] n．胡说, 废话
21．germ n．微生物, 细菌； bacilli n． （pl．）细菌, 杆菌
22．towel n．手巾, 毛巾
23．stagger v．摇晃, 蹒跚
24．prop v．支撑, 维持
25．gluten n．麸质
26．laundry n．洗衣店
27．Portland cement n． 硅酸盐水泥
28．soda n．苏打, 碳酸水
29．albumen n．蛋白
30．imitate v．模仿
31．consequence n．结果