I was a rotten1 teenager. Not a common spoiled2, know-it-all3, not-going-to-clean-my room, and self-conscious4 teenager. No, I was sharp-tongued5 and eager to control others. I told lies. And I realized at an early age that I could make things go my way with just a few small changes. The writers for today's hottest soap opera6 could not have created a worse character than me.
For the most part, and on the outside, I was a good kid, a giggly7 tomboy8 who liked to play sports and who was good at competition. This is probably why most people forgave9 me for my bad behavior towards people I felt to be of value.
Since I was clever enough to get some people to give in to me, I don't know how long it took me to realize how I was hurting so many others. Not only did I succeed in pushing away10 many of my closest friends by trying to control them; I also managed to destroy, time and time again, the most precious relationship in my life: my relationship with my mother.
Even today, almost 10 years since the birth of the new me, my former behavior astonishes me each time I reach into my memories. Hurtful words that cut and stung11 the people I cared most about. Acts of confusion and anger that seemed to rule my every move—all to make sure that things went my way.
My mother, who gave birth to me at age 38 against her doctor's wishes, would cry to me, "I waited so long for you, please don't push me away. I want to help you!"
I would reply sharply, "I didn't ask for you! I never wanted you to care about me! Leave me alone and forget I ever lived!"
My mother began to believe I really meant it. My actions proved that.
I was mean12 and eager to control, trying to get my way at any cost. Like many young girls in high school, the boys whom I knew were impossible13 were always the first ones I had to date14. I would get out of the house without my mother's knowing very late at night just to prove I could do it. I would readily tell complex15 lies without hesitation. I would also try to find any way to draw attention to myself while at the same time trying to be invisible16.
I had been heavy into drugs during that period of my life, taking mind-changing pills and smoking things that changed my personality17. That accounted for18 the terrible, sharp words that came flying from my mouth. However, that was not the case. My only addiction19 was hatred; my only pleasure was to make people feel pain.
But then I asked myself why. Why the need to hurt? And why the people I cared about the most? Why the need for all the lies? Why the attacks on my mother? I would drive myself mad with all the whys until one day, I couldn't stand it any longer and jump from a car moving at 80 miles per hour.
Lying awake the following night at the hospital, I came to realize that I didn't want to die.
And I did not want to inflict any more pain on20 people to cover up what I was truly trying to hide myself: self-hatred. Self-hatred inflicted on everyone else.
I saw my mother's pained face for the first time in years—warm, tired brown eyes filled with nothing but thanks for her daughter's rebirth of life and love for the child she waited 38 years to bear.
My first experience with unconditional love. What a powerful feeling.
Despite all the lies I had told her, she still loved me. I cried on her lap21 for hours one afternoon and asked why she still loved me after all the horrible things I did to her. She just looked down at me, brushed the hair out of my face and said frankly, "I don't know."
A kind of smile came out of her tears as the lines in her tested face told me all that I needed to know. I was her daughter, but more important, she was my mother. Not every rotten child is so lucky. Not every mother can be pushed to the limits22 time and time again, and come back with feelings of love.
Unconditional love is the most precious gift we can give. Being forgiven for the past is the most precious gift we can receive. I dare not say we could experience this pure love twice in one lifetime.
I was one of the lucky ones. I know that. I want to extend the gift my mother gave me to all the "rotten teenagers" in the world who are confused23.
It's okay to feel pain, to need help, to feel love—just feel it without hiding. Come out from under the hard and protective covers, and take a breath of life.
我曾是个堕落的小丫头，不是一般的被宠坏、自以为是、不愿意打扫房间且自我意识强的那种。不，我不是那样的。我说话刻薄，控制别人的欲望强，又说谎。很早我就知道只要作些小小的变通，就可以随心所欲地操纵局面。就是现在最热门的肥皂剧作家也没能力塑造出比我更坏的角色。
多数时候，从表面上看，我是个好孩子，一个嘻嘻哈哈的假小子，喜欢体育运动，比赛常拿名次。或许正因为如此，尽管我对那些有身份的人任性胡来，他们中大多数人还是原谅了我。
我很精明，总有办法令别人让着我，所以我不知道我用了多长时间才意识到我伤害了这么多人。我不仅得罪了很多要好的朋友，因为我总试图摆布他们；而且我还一次又一次地践踏了我生活中最珍贵的亲情：母女之情。
即使在我重获新生十年之后的今天，每当我回忆往事，我还是对从前的所作所为深感震惊：我总是用刻薄的话伤害和刺痛我所关爱的人，我总用迷茫的举动和愤怒的情绪左右我的行为——而我这么做只是为了顺着性子。
我的母亲是在38岁的时候不顾医生的警告生下我的，她总是哭着对我说，“我等了这么长时间才得到你，求你不要推开我，我想帮你。”
而我总会尖刻地回答说，“我没叫你这么做，我从没有想过要你关心我！让我一个人呆着，就当我死了吧！”
我母亲开始相信我是来真的，因为我的行为证明了这一点。
我很自私，总想支配别人，不惜一切手段只是为了我行我素。像许多高中女生那样，我首先约会的总是那些高不可攀的男生。我常常晚上很晚时瞒着母亲溜出去，仅仅想证明我能得手。我会毫不犹豫地编造出有眉有眼的谎话来，我会想方设法吸引别人的注意力，同时又设法摆出一副低姿态。
在我生命的那段时间里，我沉湎于毒品之中，吸毒改变了我的心灵和人格，正因为如此我脱口而出的话总是那么可怕、尖刻。然而，我迷恋的不是毒品。我所迷恋的仅仅是仇恨，我惟一的快感就是使别人痛苦。
然后，我开始问自己：为什么会这样，有什么必要伤害别人？为什么受伤的恰是我最关心的人？为什么要撒谎？为什么要伤害我的母亲？所有这些“为什么”让我发疯，直到有一天我再也受不了了，从一辆时速80英里的车上跳了下来。
第二天晚上，我躺在医院里无法入眠，我意识到我不想死。
我并不想给别人制造更多的痛苦来掩饰我想逃避的东西——那就是自我仇视，一种给别人带来痛苦的自我仇视。
多年来，我第一次看清了母亲痛苦的面孔，她温暖、疲惫的棕色眼睛中充满了对女儿新生的感激和对她等了38年才怀上的女儿的爱。
我第一次体验到无条件的母爱，这是一种多么强烈的感情啊！
尽管我对她撒了那么多的谎，她依然爱我。一天下午，我躺在她膝盖上哭了几个小时，我问她为什么我做了那么多的蠢事，她却依然爱着我？她低头望着我，拂去我脸上的头发，诚恳地说，“我不知道。”
慈祥的笑容透过眼泪从她的眼中流露出来，她那饱经岁月风霜的脸将一切告诉了我。我是她的女儿，但更重要的是，她是我母亲。不是每一个堕落的孩子都像我这样幸运， 不是每一个母亲都像我母亲那样一次次被逼上绝路却又一次次带着爱回到我身边。
无条件的爱是我们能够给予的最珍贵的礼物，过去的罪过得到原谅是我们能够得到的最宝贵的礼物。我敢说我们不可能在一生中两度体验这样纯洁的爱。
我以前多么地幸运呀！现在总算明白了。我想把从母亲那儿得到的礼物转送给世上所有迷茫、彷徨的失足青少年。
觉得痛苦、需要帮助、体验真爱，这些都是正常的，敞开心扉去迎接这一切吧。从坚硬的自我的外壳中解放出来，去呼吸生命的空气吧……
1. rotten adj．堕落的
2． spoiled adj．宠坏的
3． know－it－all adj．自称无所不知的
4． self－conscious adj．具有自我意识的
5． sharp－tongued adj．说话刻薄的
6． soap opera 肥皂剧
7． giggly adj．咯咯笑的
8． tomboy n．假小子
9． forgive v．原谅
10．push away 得罪
11．stung sting的过去分词，刺痛
12．mean adj．自私的
13．impossible adj．难以追到手的
14．date v．约会
15．complex adj．复杂的
16．invisible adj．不引人注目的
17．personality n．人格
18．account for 解释
19．addiction n．上瘾
20．inflict pain on somebody 给人造成痛苦
21．lap n．膝盖
22．be pushed to the
limits 逼到绝境
23．confused adj．迷茫的