Shan Zhou is a well-established Chinese scholar in civil engineering. He had been co-operating with Paul, an American engineer on a large project. Paul had been to China twice for the project. Shan Zhou took great care of him on each visit, arranging everything from accommodation1 to making sure that one or more of his students would go with him—whenever he needed to do something. Frequently Shan Zhou invited Paul to home for meals or went to restaurants with him. He also made arrangements with some of his students to travel around the city with Paul, to help him with shopping. Paul was very grateful, but repeatedly told Shan Zhou that he could take care of himself. Yet Shan Zhou continued to be very attentive.
Eventually, Shan Zhou went to the United States to work with Paul for half a year. Paul picked him up at the airport and took him directly to his temporary2 accommodation. Paul apologized that he had to go home to take care of his two children, and that he would take Shan Zhou out for dinner some day.
Shan Zhou did not speak much English and it was his first visit to the States. He felt like a stranger and expected Paul to at least send his students to help him around, like what he had done for Paul in China. But that did not happen. Paul did take him out to a nice restaurant one evening, and invited him to his home once.
Shan Zhou had expected more from Paul, especially after all the help he had given to Paul. He was very disappointed and hurt by Paul, thinking that Paul should at least return the favor he had done to him. Shan Zhou was so hurt that he said to a good friend that he would not take that much care of Paul any more if he went to China again.
In fact, Shan Zhou was so upset that his working relationship with Paul suffered. Paul noticed the change but did not know where the tension came from.
Chinese perspective3
The Chinese are very hospitable4 people. They tend to take great care of their guests and try to help their guests with everything. They would feel bad if a guest had any complaint. On the other hand, they expect others to take care of them, too, when they become guests themselves.
Though one may not spend as much time with one's guest these days because of the increasingly hectic5 pace of life in China, one still tries to make sure that the guest is treated well. Shan Zhou did this by taking time himself to be with Paul and by asking his graduate students to help Paul.
To the Chinese mind, one should return the same degree of hospitality and kindness if he/she has the opportunity to become the host. Otherwise, he/she would be thought as being ungrateful and even disrespectful6. Shan Zhou felt that Paul's treatment of him fell far short of the courtesy7 and kindness that he, Shan Zhou, had shown Paul. For Shan Zhou, Paul was not acting as a research partners, much less8 a good friend. He felt that Paul did not respect or value their friendship, and it hurt.
North American perspective
The differences here are not whether one should feel gratitude towards a host for hospitality. Both cultures share this value. The misunderstanding is about the degree and form of hospitality expected. As a North American, Paul felt trapped by the excessive9 attention from Shan Zhou. While assistance in getting settled and translation would be expected and greatly appreciated10, Paul would likely prefer time on his own in order to explore his new surroundings, to think, and to become comfortable in his new residence11. North Americans often take pride in being individualistic12 and self-reliant. The level of attention offered by Shan Zhou may have begun to be intrusive13, controlling, and unwelcome to Paul.
North Americans value privacy and this translates into14 valuing private time—time by themselves. Paul assumed that Shan Zhou would feel the same way because he was not aware of Chinese standards of hospitality and reciprocity15. This assumption16 was re-enforced because Shan Zhou spoke some English. Paul assumed that he did not really need any assistance.
Many North Americans have a hard time realizing that the rest of the world is not always comfortable with English or with the North American way of life. This is not always simple arrogance17, but more a lack of experience of “having the shoe on the other foot18”. When North Americans travel, they frequently observe that English is spoken in other countries and they see signs of North American culture in many parts of the world. As a result, they sometimes implicitly19 assume that everyone would be comfortable in the US or Canada.
North Americans also feel highly time-stressed. They tend to expect that those whom they regard as equals will understand the pressures on their time and will not expect “baby-sitting”. While people do expect and deserve reciprocity and help in times of need, North Americans can be a bit more casual—or cavalier20—about assuming everyone prefers to do many things by themselves.
周山是位在土木建筑领域颇有建树的中国学者，他和美国工程师保罗有一个大型合作项目。为这个项目，保罗已到过中国两次，每次周山都对他照顾有加。从安排住宿到保证至少一个学生陪他外出——无论何时只要他需要。还时常请他到家里或外出用餐。周山还安排他的学生带保罗四处参观城市，陪同保罗购物。保罗心怀感激，多次表示很多事他可以自己做，但周山对他关照如一。
最后，周山到美国与保罗共事半年。保罗把他从机场直接送到当时安排好的住处，很抱歉地说自己要回去照顾两个孩子，改天再请周山吃饭。
周山英语懂得不多，而且初访美国让他觉得一切都那么陌生，很希望保罗能像自己在中国照顾他那样对待自己，至少派学生帮点忙。可保罗没那样做，只是请周山到一个好餐馆吃过一次晚餐，还请他去过自己家里一次。
周山原本指望保罗会给自己更多的照顾，尤其是自己在中国对他曾经那么处处照顾之后。相比之下，周山感到的不仅仅有失望还有伤害，他觉得保罗至少应该回报自己在中国对他的帮助。他很伤心地对一个好朋友说，以后保罗再到中国去，自己再也不会像以前那样照顾他了。
实际上，周山对保罗的情绪已经糟糕到影响了他们之间的工作关系，保罗察觉两人关系紧张，却不知道个中原因。
中国人的解释
中国人非常好客，他们细致入微，几乎什么事都为客人想到。如果客人有一点不满，他们心里就不好受。另一方面，当他们在别处作客时，也往往希望别人如此待己。
尽管中国生活节奏逐渐加快，现在主人已无法耗费太多时间陪客人，但他们仍会尽力确保客人受到周到的招待。就像周山，不仅自己陪保罗还请他的研究生帮忙招待保罗。
对中国人来讲，如果有机会成为东道主，就应该以同样的好客与热心回报他人。否则就会被看做是不知感恩甚至失礼。周山觉得保罗对他，远远不像自己对他那样礼貌周到。他的做法不像一个研究伙伴，更不说像一个好朋友了。这使周山感到保罗不尊重或不珍惜他们之间的友谊，并因此受到伤害。
北美人的解释
是否应该对好客的主人心存感激并不是差异所在。两种文化都注重这种价值观。误会源于待客的热情程度和表达方式。作为北美人，保罗很可能因周山过度关照而产生被困的感觉。在生活安顿和语言方面得到帮助后，保罗感激不尽，但他可能更希望有时间自己去了解新环境，去思考，让自己生活得更为舒适。北美人崇尚个性和自立，周山的过分关怀也许已使保罗觉得受到侵扰、控制而显得不受欢迎了。
北美人重视隐私，这就意味着他们重视私人时间——他们独处的时间。保罗以为周山这方面观念跟自己一样，他不了解中国人的好客之道和礼尚往来的观念。尤其是周山能讲英语使保罗更加确信：周山其实不需要太多帮助。
北美许多人都很难意识到世界其他国家的人并不懂英语，也不总能适应北美的生活习惯，这不能被简单理解为是北美人傲慢，而是他们缺乏“身处不同文化环境中”的经历。北美人旅行时，往往发现别国人也讲英语，世界很多地方也有北美文化的痕迹。这使他们误以为任何人到了美国或加拿大都会很快适应下来。
北美人在时间上也承受着很大压力，他们往往认为与他们情况相同的人会理解这点，不需要找个保姆来照顾。虽然人们的确期待礼尚往来，期待困难时得到帮助，但北美人在这方面更随意一些，或者是比较怠慢：他们觉得许多事情每个人更希望自己亲力而为。
1. accommodation n． 住处
2． temporary adj． 暂时的
3． perspective n． 观点
4． hospitable adj． 好客的
5． hectic adj． 忙碌的
6． disrespectful adj． 失礼的
7． courtesy n． 礼貌
8． much less 更不用说，否定句用。肯定句时用much more．
9． excessive adj． 过分的
10． appreciate v． 感激
11． residence n． 居住地
12． individualistic adj． 个人主义的
13． intrusive adj． 打扰
14． translate into 意味着
15． reciprocity n． 互惠
16． assumption n． 猜测
17． arrogance n． 傲慢
18． have the shoe on the other foot形势反转，相同的情况出现在对方身上
19． implicitly adv． 含蓄地
20． cavalier adj． 不礼貌的