I was at a dinner in London given in honor of one of the most celebrated1 English military man of his time. I do not want to tell you his real name and titles. I will just call him Lieutenant-General Lord Arthur Scoresby2. I cannot describe my excitement when I saw this great and famous man. There he sat. The man himself in person all covered with medals. I could not take my eyes off him. He seemed to show the true mark of greatness. His fame had no effect on him. The hundreds of eyes watching him, the worship of so many people did not seem to make any difference to him3.
Next to me sat a clergyman4 who was an old friend of mine. He was not always a clergyman. During the first half of his life, he was a teacher in the military school at Woolwich. There was a strange look in his eye as he leaned toward me and whispered, “Privately, he is a complete fool. He then, of course, the hero of our dinner.”
This came as a shock to me. I looked hard at my friend. I could not have been more surprised if he had said the same thing about Napoleon or Socrates or Solomon5. But I was sure up two things about the clergyman. He always spoke the truth and his judgment of men was good. Therefore I wanted to find out more about our hero as soon as I could.
Some days later, I got a chance to talk with the clergyman and he told me more. These are his exact words:
About 40 years ago, I was an instructor in the military academy6 at Woolwich when young Scoresby was given his first examination. I felt extremely sorry for him. Everybody answered the questions well intelligently7 while he—why, dear me, he did not know anything, so to speak8. He was a nice pleasant young man. It was painful to see him stand there and give answers that were miracles of stupidity9. I knew, of course, that when examined again, he would fail and be thrown out. So, I said to myself, it would be a simple harmless act to help him as much as I could. I took him aside and found he knew a little about Julius Caesar's history10, but he did not know anything else. So I went to work and tested him and worked him like a slave. I made him work over and over again on a few questions about Caesar, which I knew he would be asked. If you will believe me, he came through very well on the day of the examination. He got high place, too, while others, who knew a thousand times more than he were sharply criticized11. By some strange lucky accident, he was asked no questions about those I made him study. Such an accident does not happen more than once in a hundred years.
Well, all through his studies I stood by him with the feeling a mother has for a disabled child. And he always saved himself by some miracle.
I thought that what in the end would destroy him would be the mathematics examination. I decided to make his end as painless as possible12. So, I pushed that into his stupid head for hours. Finally, I let him go to the examination to experience what I was sure would be his dismissal from school13. Well, Sir, try to imagine the result. I was shocked out of my mind14. He took first prize and he got the highest place.
I felt guilty15 day and night. What I was doing was not right, but I only wanted to make his dismissal a little less painful for him. I never dreamed that would lead to such strange, laughable results. I thought that sooner or later, one thing was sure to happen. The first, real test, once he was through school, would ruin him.
Then the Crimean War broke out. I felt that there had to be a war. Peace would have given this donkey a chance to escape from ever being found out as being so stupid16. Nervously, I waited for the worst to happen. It did. He was appointed an officer, a captain. Who could have dreamed that they would place such a responsibility on such weak shoulders as his?17
I said to myself that I was responsible to the country for this. I must go with him and protect the nation against him as far as I could. So, I joined up with him and away we went to the field. And there—oh dear, it was terrible. Mistakes, fearful mistakes, why? He never did anything that was right, nothing but mistakes. But, you see, nobody knew the secret of how stupid he really was. Everybody misunderstood his actions. They saw his stupid mistakes as works of great intelligence18; they did, honestly! His smallest mistakes made a man in his right mind cry and shout and scream too, to himself, of course19. And what kept me in a continual fear was the fact that every mistake he made increased his glory and fame. I kept saying to myself that when at last they find out about him, it will be like the sun falling out of the sky.
Hamm, he continued to climb up over the dead bodies of his superiors20. Then in the hottest moment of one battle, down went our colonel21. My heart jumped into my mouth, for Scoresby was the next in line to take his place22. Now we are in for it23, I said.
The battle grew hotter. The English and their allies24 were steadily retreating25 all over the fields. Our regiment26 occupied a position that was extremely important. One mistake now would bring total disaster. And what did Scoresby do this time? He just mistook his left hand for his right hand. That was all. An order came for him to fall back and support our right. Instead, he moved forward and went over the hill to the left.
We were over the hill before this insane27 movement could be discovered and stopped. And what did we find? A large and unsuspected Russian army waiting! And what happened? Were we all killed? That is exactly what would have happened in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred.28 But no, those surprised Russians thought that no one regiment by itself would come around there at such a time. It must be the whole British army, they thought. They turned tail29, away they went, over the hill, and down into the field, in wild disorder and we after them. In no time, there was the greatest turn around, you ever saw. The allies turned defeat into a sweeping30 and shining victory. The allied commander looked on, his head spinning31 with wonder, surprise, and joy. He sent right off for Scoresby and put his arm around him and hugged him on the field in front of all the armies. Scoresby became famous that day as a great military leader.
Honor is done to him throughout the world, that honor will never disappear while history books last. He is just as nice and pleasant as ever. But he still does not know enough to come in when it rains. He is the stupidest man in the universe. Until now, nobody knew it but Scoresby and myself. He has been followed day-by-day, year-by-year, by a strange luck. He has been a shining soldier in all our wars for years. He has filled his whole military life with mistakes. Every one of them got him another honorary title. Look at his chest, flooded32 with British and foreign medals. Well sir, every one of them is the record of some great stupidity or other. They are proof that the best thing that can happen to a man is to be born lucky.33 I say again, as I did at the dinner.
Scoresby's a complete fool.
1. celebrated [?謖selibreitid] adj． 著名的
2． Lieutenant－General Lord Arthur Scoresby 阿瑟· 斯克里斯比中将爵士
3． 后半句意为：众人的崇拜对他来说似乎不算什么。make a difference 有影响，起作用
4． clergyman n． 教士
5． 此句意为：吃惊程度决不亚于听说拿破仑、苏格拉底和所罗门是大傻瓜。
6． military academy 军校
7． intelligently adv． 聪明地
8． so to speak 可以说，可谓
9． miracles of stupidity 蠢得出奇
10． Julius Caesar＇s history 凯撒历史。Julius Caesar公元前1世纪罗马统帅，曾远征大不列颠。
11． 后半句意为： 而比他知识多得多的人却受到严厉批评。
12． 此句意为：我决意让他的末日尽量减少痛苦
13． 此句意为：最后我让他去参加考试，体验我确信要将他淘汰的过程。
14． 此句意为： 我惊呆了。out of one＇s mind 发疯，神志不清
15． guilty [gilti] adj． 负疚的，有罪的
16． 此句意为：和平时期没人有机会知道这头蠢驴原来是一个十足的傻瓜。本句为虚拟语气，表示与事实相反的假设。
17． 此句意为：谁能想到他们会在这个毫无才气的人身上委以重任呢。
18． great intelligence 聪明才智
19． 此句意为：他哪怕一点点小错也足以让正常人捶足顿胸，呼天喊地。当然这些别人只能自己闷在心里。
20． superior n． 上司
21． 此句意为：后来在一场激烈的酣战中，团长倒下了。colonel n． 上校，团长
22． 此句意为：我的心提到了嗓子眼里，因为斯克里斯比是接替他的人选。
23． 此句意为：这下完了。 be in for it 倒霉
24． ally n． 同盟，盟军
25． retreat v． 撤退
26． regiment n． 团
27． insane adj． 发疯的，疯狂的
28． 此句意为：这种情况下，十有八九我们准会丧命。
29． turn tail 掉头
30． sweeping adj． 彻底的
31． spin [spin] v． 头晕，晕眩
32． flooded 被…淹没，此处指挂满。
33． 此句意为：一个人一生最妙的事情莫过于天生走运，这些奖章就是证据。