★Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
 
★Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep1.
 　　
★Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of2 receiving messages. My owners do not need broom, windows, or a hot tub3, and their carpets are clean. They give charity4 through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
　　
★Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
　　
★This is not an answering machine—this is a telepathic5 thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

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1． beep  n． 嘟嘟的响声
2． be capable   of  有能力
3． tub   n． 浴盆
4． charity   n． 慈善, 施舍
5． telepathic   adj． 心灵感应的