What you are on the outside is only a small part of who you are. Watch someone who appears plain1 and see how they change when they talk about something or someone they love. They transform before your eyes, becoming more beautiful. It’s amazing. It is also amazing that, when you get to know someone, you stop noticing how they look and just accept them. Rarely are we this kind with ourselves.
“I was never happy with the way my face looked.”
Cindy Crawford, model
Look at yourself in the mirror. Mostly you look at yourself from a particular angle, that angle is just a small part of your outside appearance and it is also a small part of who you are totally. You are mind, body and spirit. The internal you is made up of your feelings, your values, and your self-esteem.
Develop your self-esteem2
Self-esteem is about valuing yourself and believing in yourself, trusting yourself, trusting that you are capable of making decisions that are right for you.
Learn to trust your feelings
Trust your feelings about people and things. You need to believe in your intuition3 for it to work effectively.
Self-esteem is the root of intuitive ability. Intuition does not come from eating a vegetarian diet or from walking three miles a day while listening to relaxing music on your Walkman. It comes from self-respect and from having the courage to respond to your own thoughts and feelings.
Caroline Myss, author
Self-esteem is about approving of yourself, liking yourself and believing that you have real value, even if what’s happening around you is not what you want to happen right now.
Having self-esteem is about having the courage to drop your“act”, what you’re pretending to be, and allowing your real self to be seen and experienced—to be genuine.
“I was pretty shy when I was growing up, I loved to read and use my imagination, to be quiet and think. When I was twelve I became fat. Everybody called it puppy4 fat, but it made me feel like everyone was now noticing me. One day I did something really stupid in class and made everyone laugh. I realized that this was my way of being accepted so I became the class clown. It was exhausting, and it wasn’t really me.”
Bonnie, 20
When Bonnie pretended to be something she wasn’t, it exhausted her. When you won’t accept others as they are and try to change them into something else, it only makes them dislike you in the long run5 and is manipulative6 and cruel. Just as you don’t need to change to please others, don’t try to make others change to please you.
Match your behaviour to your goals
Having good self-esteem is being able to match your behaviour to your goals in life. If you want to become an actor, you need to keep learning about acting and keep trying out for any roles you can.
“I love rowing, I love being in the under-15s, but sometimes I hate that we start at 5 a.m. It really stretches7 me to stay in that team.”
Ian, 14
Ian loves to row and keep fit and even though it really challenges him, his behaviour matches his goal. He gets out of bed early in the morning, trains three times a week and does stretching exercises every day. His self-esteem is strong because his behaviour supports his goals.
Here are some steps to improve your self-esteem:
Treat yourself as if you are your own best friend; give yourself mostly positive self-talk.
Laugh, smile and cry when you feel like it, express your feelings, let them out.
Set yourself goals for this year; write in your notebook three things to achieve this year.
Write down the things you will do to support these goals.
Every morning as you wake up and every night as you go to sleep, visualize what you want to achieve.
Trust your feelings.
Tell yourself and others the truth.
Try new ways of doing things; be willing to make mistakes and learn. Don’t beat yourself up about mistakes—this is how you learn.
Believe in yourself, sometimes without any evidence that things will improve.
Look at your body language. Is it positive? Are your shoulders straight as if sitting on a coat-hanger9? Are you happy to meet another person’s eyes without glancing away? Is your voice firm and clear? Is your face ready to smile? Is your mouth relaxed?
Love your body
I have spoken to many people about how they achieved successful, long-term weight loss. The consistent10 thing about every one I spoke to is that to lose weight in the long run they actually had to accept and love themselves as the bigger, fatter person first, before they started to lose the weight successfully.
“Learning to love my body was something I discovered a few years ago after a lot of soul-searching. I compared myself to models and really thin, pretty friends and that always put me down.”
Annanda, 18
Once you say“Okay, this is how I am, and I know where I want to be”; you can get started and make a positive plan to achieve your desired weight. But the goal of reaching your desired weight won’t happen without also changing your behaviour to match your goal.
The biggest prejudice11 with gaining weight or losing it is the opinion of others, people who feel they have a right to comment on your appearance. They say“I’m telling you this for your own good, you’re putting on too much weight,” or “Why don’t you lose a size?” or “You’re fat,” or the other way, “You’re very skinny. Are you anorexic12?”
“People think that it is a compliment when they call you skinny, but it really bothers me.”
Shari, 16
There are lots of young men and women who believe their shape wrong or too fat, too tall or too short. They’re never happy, never satisfied with what they are and, as a result, never accepting who they are.
Accept yourself
Accept who you are right now. In the long run, changing something about yourself on the surface is not going to change your feelings about who you are.
“I always wanted to have dead13 straight hair and would iron it and spend hours with a big brush trying to blow-dry it straight. Now it is really fashionable to have curly hair and so many people comment on it favorably14. I can’t believe I used to hate it so much!”
Noni, 27
Everyone has insecurities about the way they look. There are things you can change, things you can’t, things you just have to accept. The trick is knowing the difference and not giving your personal power away to an image of what you are told you should look like.
The key is accepting yourself for who, what and where you are, right now. Then work on the things that you really want to change, in a realistic timeframe15. Stop beating yourself up about things you can’t change.
You are probably going to live a very long life, longer than your parents or grandparents, so now is the time to start accepting and liking yourself and getting to appreciate who and what you are.
外表不过是你身上小小的一部分。观察一下那些相貌平平的人，当提到所爱的人或事的时候，他们的外表会发生变化：看上去漂亮多了，这很神奇。神奇的不止这点，当你开始了解一个人，你会忽略他们的外貌，去接受他们。我们却极少对自己如此宽容。
“我对自己的脸相从不满意。”
——名模辛迪·克劳馥
看看镜子里的自己。通常你只是从某一角度看自己，那不过是外表很小的一部分，也是你身上很小的一部分。一个人是智慧、身体和心灵的结合体。内在的你是情感、价值观及自信心的结合体。
培养自信
自信是重视自己、鼓励自己、信任自己，相信自己有能力做出对你有利的决定。
学会相信感觉
要相信你对人或事的感觉。你必须相信自己的直觉，这样直觉才能发挥作用。
“自信是直觉的根源。直觉不是来自吃素，也不是靠每天听着随身听的轻松音乐漫步3英里就能得到。它来自于自重，来自对自己的想法和感觉做出回应的勇气。”
——卡罗琳·迈斯，作家
自信就是认可自己、喜爱自己，相信自己的真实价值，即使现在身边发生的事并非如你所愿。
拥有自信就是要有勇气放下你的“面具”，不再伪装自己。让别人看到、感到真真实实的你——为人真诚。
“我小时候十分害羞，喜欢阅读和幻想，喜欢安安静静地思考。12岁的时候，我开始发胖，每个人都称之为“婴儿肥”。但是这让我觉得所有人都开始注意到我。一天，我在课堂上做了件特傻的事，全班都笑了。我发现这就是我在大家心中的形象，于是我成了班上的活宝。我觉得很累，这不是真实的我。”
——邦妮，20岁
掩饰本性让邦妮觉得疲惫不堪。当你不愿接受别人本来的样子，进而试图去改变他们，久而久之你只会遭人厌；这种行为也显示了你的控制欲和冷酷无情。正如你不必改变自己来取悦他人，也不要试图改变他人来满足自己。
行动与目标一致
树立良好的自信能使你的行动朝着你的人生目标前进。如果你想成为一名演员，就要不停地学习表演，不停尝试任何一个你能胜任的角色。
“我爱划艇运动，我爱呆在15岁以下的划艇队，但有时我讨厌早上五点就得开始练习，要想呆在划艇队，我就得绷着劲地练。”
——伊恩，14岁
伊恩热爱划船这项运动，即使这很具挑战性，他的行动与目标是一致的。他每天很早起床，每周训练三次，每天都做伸展练习。他有强大的自信心，因为他用行动支撑着他的目标。
以下步骤能助你提升自信：
把自己当成你最好的朋友那样对待；要时常鼓励自己。
想笑就笑，想哭就哭。表达你的感受，释放你的情感。
制定今年的目标，在笔记本里写下今年要完成的三件事。
写下为达到目标要做的事。
每天早上起床和晚上睡觉前想想自己要实现的目标。
相信自己的感觉。
对自己和别人讲真话。
试着用新法子处理问题，不怕出错、总结经验。别让错误击倒你——这是我们学习的方式。
即使情况不容乐观，还是相信自己。
看看你的肢体语言是否积极。你的肩膀是不是像挂在衣架上的衣服一样直挺？你乐于注视他人目光而不是眼神游离？你的声音够不够坚定清晰？你准备好微笑了吗？你没牙关紧闭吧？
喜爱自己的身体
我问过许多人他们如何成功实现长期减肥的目标。与我交谈的人都有一个相同之处：要想减肥成功，首先他们必须真正接受并且喜爱自己现有的样子——肥胖臃肿的体型，然后再开始顺利地减肥。
“几年前,经过多次反省之后我才发现得学会爱自己的身体。过去，我老拿自己跟模特、身边苗条漂亮的朋友比，结果总是令我沮丧。”
——安娜达，18岁
一旦你对自己说:“好了，这就是我的样子，我知道自己想要什么。”你就可以开始减肥了，先制订一个积极的计划来达到目标体重。但如果没为设定的目标而努力，你就没法达到理想体重。
增重或减肥时最大的危害来自他人的看法，有些人自以为有权力评论你的外表。他们会说“我说这些是为你好，你长胖了很多，”、“你为什么不减一圈儿肥呢？”或是“你很胖。”要不就反过来，“你太瘦了，得了厌食症吗？”
“人们认为说你瘦是一种赞扬，但这真的令我很心烦。”
——莎丽，16岁
很多少男少女都觉得自己身材不够好，不是太胖、就是太高或太矮。他们闷闷不乐，总是对自己不满，结果是他们无法接受自己。
接受自己
现在就接受自己。从长远来看，外形的一些变化不会改变你的自我感觉。
“我一直希望有一头笔直的头发，所以总是去烫直。还要花好几个小时用把大梳子和电吹风来吹直头发。现在卷发流行起来，很多人都在说卷发怎么怎么好。真不敢相信我以前竟然那么讨厌卷发！”
——诺尼，27岁
每个人都会对自己的外貌感到不安。有的事你可以改变，有些不能，不能改变的你就只能去接受。诀窍就是明白人人不同，保持个人魅力，不要被旁人对你外表的看法所左右。
关键是现在要接受自己的身份、自己的定位和自己的成就。定一个合适的期限，在你真正想改变的地方下工夫。不要因为无法改变的事情而灰心丧气。
你可能还有很长一段人生之路要走，比你的父母或是祖父母的都要长。所以，现在就是你开始接受自己、喜欢自己、欣赏自己的时候了。
1. plain [plein] adj. 普通，平常
2. self-esteem n. 自信，自尊
3. intuition n. 直觉 intuitive
adj. 有直觉的
4. puppy n. 傻小子
5. in the long run长期看来
6. manipulative adj. 操纵的, 控制的
7. stretch v. 绷紧，伸展
8. visualize v. 设想；想象
9. hanger n. 衣架
10. consistent adj. 一致的
11. prejudice n. 偏见, 成见
12. anorexic adj. 厌食的
13. dead adj. 彻底的
14. favorably adv. 好意地
15. timeframe
n. 期限